on death, fear, and seeing Saturn as benevolence. part one.

and will we ever think of time as gentle?

hello, hello, hello.

three times for good measure, three times so you remember my voice. three times for this three-part series on change, the many roads we walk on, and all the skins we shed to get somewhere closer to home.

i’ve been away for a long time. away from home, away from myself, away from the people I love, away from my work. being the 12th houser that I am, I stepped away to sit with change, redirections, reclamations, big NOs, and otherworldly things that looked scary but held the bliss of divinity within their chest. lots of little-big initiations that shed and shed all that was untrue until I reached the bone, the memory, the story that had been itching to be sang with my scratchy sun-steeped voice during this period of my life. I don’t claim to say I’ve unearthed it all, but at least I feel inclined to embrace uncomfortable periods of transition with curiosity, welcoming portals as they expand to reveal potential (and the silhouette of some sort of prime material) underneath the surface of chaos.

the overwhelming surrender at the sanctity of decay is still fresh within certain parts of my being. some very willfully embracing change, others clumsily running into the same walls and asking for some sense of safety, please. even when running the gift of time’s ripening knowledge between my fingertips, carefully examining its seams, it appears that realizing that something is dying makes it no less arduous for my body to let go of. old boxes full of things that have now-dead names written in them, hiding in places I didn’t expect them to be, limbs moving towards old ways and no-longer-relevant cycles. it all catches me by surprise, it all triggers fearful disputes between my inner selves, it is all so heavy to throw away. but i’ve been called to do it.

it was hard for me to fully embody graceful surrender, with my silly human heart stuck on the now-faded promise of eternally youthful todays. I still find myself clinging to the person I used to be, sometimes, often tired from fighting against resistance to decay. jaw clenched, bone grinding against bone, head shaking wildly in disbelief. isn’t it tiring, to keep pretending to be someone you’re not? can I forgive myself for doubling down even as I tasted blood? can you forgive yourself when you, too, hold on so tight your whole body turns stone? can we let go now?

i’d like to think that as we accept the fear within ourselves for what it is, a part of our inner selves asking for our hand as we walk through change, we’ll surrender to a deeper, primal vision— eyes that allow us to look at something and realize it’s dead, or dying. we’ll bear old, sensible hands that have grown used to pruning away dried leaves, shaking trees awake and composting the fallout. maybe we will grow curious, quiet, tender. all the more human. all the more animal. tuned in to the calling that lulls our bodies into dust day after day, holding total compassion for the state of our being as it grows and shapeshifts under the spell of natural transformation. where would we be if we used this energy as momentum to embody total reverence at the altar of our lives?

i believe is how we were meant to be— turning over like the tides, never the same ocean twice. maybe, someday, our endings will be celebrated with the same joy we feel as we welcome beginnings.

as Saturn stewards my movement from within my 1st house, i have come to appreciate constraints, slowness, limits, and the blessing of time as it is felt in my body.

now more than ever, i see time as flexible and expansive. where some changes happen quickly, others take their time to take shape and need a little help from us to come alive. their gift to us lies in the opportunity we are presented with: to breathe deeply into these spaces of uncertainty, to expand our capacity for holding contradiction. they are a hidden invitation to embrace slowness, forgiving the very-human and very-otherworldly process within ourselves.

instead of acting as if the due process of life is taking time away from us when it slows down, or getting angry at our body when it shows resistance, why don’t we soften into giving it the time it needs? as an offering, a grace, a welcoming, inviting the mystery into our lives with every second we choose to give. what if we believed ourselves so rich, so grateful, so wealthy in time, that we felt no fear when gifting things all the time they need to unravel?

working with Saturn has been, to me, a softening. the embodiment of a heartfelt celebration for the uniqueness of what is standing in front of me, regardless of how heavy it might seem, without fooling myself into thinking it is anything other than what it says it is. holding compassion for the state of my being as it follows the ever-changing calling of nature.

resistance to this flow, giving into fear, has proven to be a different kind of death.

i think i thrive better in these in-betweens. in the threshold between realms. when I know something will end, when i know i’m actively transforming and changing. this shakeup, this movement, is what actually feeds my creative process. being in the elemental prime matter, right as everything dissolves, but before anything sprouts— this is where i’ve found my creativity and creation are ripe for the taking.

unmade but purposeful, like the substance inside of an egg.

• you can buy my art! since saturn began to slide into my 1st house for a new cycle, i’ve been thinking a lot about doing more of what i love in the public realm. so i’ve decided to sell shirts and prints with my new art on them! these little guys are a fun way to support me as i move into this new stage of my life. keep an eye out for a link to my website sometime this week. :)

• is the website itself newsworthy?

• tarot readings are open again :) i’m excited about email readings but also available for recorded + live text readings. send me a message on instagram or respond to this email to book.

• i moved! i shaved my head! it gets really freaking cold when nothing is there to trap the heat in your scalp! i love writing and laughing and dancing and making art and do not understand why i kept myself from doing the things i love!

  

i made this playlist to honor both this new season, the changes in my life, Saturn, and something that i can’t put my finger on just yet.

see ya sometime else this week. :) <3